Rupture

“When we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard or welcomed. But when we are silent, we are still afraid. So it is better to speak.” 
-- Audre Lorde.

A little Audre to start the day because I have been so silent for so long. I'm there again, fighting the inertia that comes from letting the tawdry routine of life decide who I am. The more and more I start to realize that the redundancy of days is dictated by only myself, the more and more I can start creating something new.

More than ever I'm reminded of how much I let fear dictate my experience. I don't write, I don't read, I don't play because I fear that I will not be good enough. In this way I prohibit myself from becoming better. From getting to a place that I can begin creating days that don't run together. To a place where I can create a person I can stand living with. I rely too heavily on other people to make me into something interesting, worthy. The ultimate risk is believing I am worthwhile.

The hardest question to answer is What Do I Want to Become?

Goals:
1. Write letters regularly to my family.
2. Learn to eat for health, but still enjoy food that gives me pleasure in moderation.
3. Workout because I enjoy it. Workout to see what my body can accomplish. Quit thinking of my body as my enemy.
4. Join something competitive. Poker, Softball, Basketball, Pool, something to release my competitive nature.
5. Acknowledge my fear of trying things and still do it.
6. Improve my living environment. Make my home part of me instead of just a container for me.
7. Be inspired to do my job better. Get fired up.
8. Read one book every month.
9. Get involved in my community, volunteer.
10. Learn to cook a new meal each month.

Comments

  1. Kelly Lawrence #2October 23, 2010 at 7:19 PM

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  2. Kelly Lawrence #2October 23, 2010 at 7:51 PM

    I may not be as intelligent, as educated or as articulate as you- but baby read my blog that i posted today. Felt like I just wrote it to you after reading this blog. love you forever & a day x

    ReplyDelete

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